Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Friday, August 1, 2014

Call centers face mass exodus after govt. starts recruiting monkey mimics

Employees from various Gurgaon based call centers have started tendering their resignations after the new government has announced new jobs employing people to wear langur costumes and scare away monkeys.
An Gurgaon based call center employee has this to say on being asked why the monkey mimicing job was so popular: "The job is so lucrative. It pays me more than a fresher in a call center and there are fixed timings and only day shifts. Whats not to like."

A HR person of the call center said, "This is going to create a lot of fresh problems to the call center businesses. We continuously train a lot of freshers for doing a variety of monkey jobs at our office. Now with this job opening, we fear many of our excellent employees may leave us for these jobs. There is  going to be a fresh talent shortage in the near term."

The mad rush of applications received by the government has put it in a tizzy. Some minority groups have already started asking for a quota for the new jobs. A spokesperson of the leading political party in the central government said "The new government had promised to bring new jobs to the economy. This is the first major step we have taken towards creating new jobs."

The HRD minister commented on the same issue: "You know how Indian kids are. Right from school days, they start making monkey faces. They have a natural talent of it and we recognise that such talent should not be wasted and could be put to good use this way." Going on the way forward on other initiatives proposed by the government, she said, "We are also looking at many zoos in India where are not enough animals on display. We have set up a inter-ministerial committee to work out the details on people to mimic other animals and provide them employment in the zoos."

One of the elderly retired residents in the areas which are populated by monkeys had this to say, "This should be extended beyond the parliament to other areas also. I have wondered at times, how to effectively contribute to my society. I think I will try to take this job as this will satisfy my need to contribute to the society. We also have a lot of young boys and girls doing nothing useful loitering around in colleges. Maybe this should be made compulsory for a few days a year for all students as part of CSR activity of colleges and schools."

Meanwhile, an elderly group of monkeys has heard chattering somewhere near the parliament: "These langurs are bigger, but dont climb or run with the four legs like the old ones." "I saw one with a human head and a langur body" "I went near one langur and there was the 'yaar na mile' song coming from it".

Maybe the monkeys will soon figure out the plot and monkey mimicing plan would bomb back on us soon.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Funny business quotes

  • Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
  • The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
  • Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Old West quote
  • When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
  • The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
  • Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The Peter Principle
  • Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote Parkinson/Parkinson’s Law.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
  • A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better.
  • The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
  • Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
  • The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
  • There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
  • If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  • There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
  • By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
  • Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
  • Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
  • A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
  • The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
  • Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. TS Eliot
  • If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
  • Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
  • If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
  • If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes quotes
  • It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
  • Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
  • It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
  • Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams/Dilbert
  • Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
  • The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
  • In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool
  • Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
  • Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert/The Office
  • Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
  • Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
  • There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
  • A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
  • An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
  • Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
  • For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
  • One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell
  • http://www.businesspundit.com/100-funny-business-quotes/

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Whacky insurance policies

Whacky insurance policies go beyond insuring one's precious backside for millions of $$$.
Here are some really exotic insurance policies taken.
Immaculate Conception: Three Scottish virgins were so convinced that God might impregnate them that they took out a policy that would pay them $1.5 million if it happened.

Chest Hair: An unknown celebrity asked an insurance company to insure his manly chest rug for $7 million. Alas, he never took out the policy.

Giant Crab: When the Birmingham Sea Life aquarium took possession of a gigantic Japanese spider crab measuring 10-feet across, they assured the public wasn't dangerous-then took out a $1.5 million policy against visitor death or dismemberment.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The After effects!!

With Apple patenting an application for blocking sexy/filthy text from the phones, I guess the number of words having alternate meanings is only going to increase...
Just like when we were young, Rubber meant eraser; Ass meant Donkey; Gay meant Happy; Straight meant Linear; Making Out meant Logical Deduction; Laying meant Setting aside, Cock meant Rooster; Pussy meant Cat; Stag meant a male Deer, A Tit was always for Tat.....

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Interesting Tweets on Ayodhya Verdict

Mohak: Indian wins big outsourcing contract! Jerusalem, Palestine, Israel issue to be resolved by Allahabad High Court!!!!
Puneetnaik: what if these Nirmohi Akhara guys sell their land to some Catholics. We will have a Amar, Akbar, Anthony moment there.

BeingSamee: Verdict on the Ayodhya Issue is What I call a Threesome!


Shivya: Today will go down in history as the day the existence of God was proved in Allahabad High Court.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Opportunism

Psychology

Seen behind a T-shirt:
Psychology
Batch 09
"Your mind is my business"

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cracked open

"Author(Substitute as necessary) just banged her head in the wall... it cracked open. Mercifully, there was nothing inside :D "