Funny business quotes

• Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
• The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
• Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Old West quote
• When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
• The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
• Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The Peter Principle
• Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote Parkinson/Parkinson’s Law.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
• She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better.
• The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
• Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
• The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
• There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
• By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
• Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
• A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
• The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
• Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. TS Eliot
• If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
• Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
• If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
• If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes quotes
• It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
• Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
• It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
• If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
• Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams/Dilbert
• Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
• The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
• In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool
• Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
• Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert/The Office
• Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
• Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
• There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
• An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
• Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
• For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
• One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell
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